ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
