You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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