wakey wakey hands off snakey
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize