dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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