I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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