U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize