i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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