You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize