listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
