I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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