I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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