apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
