I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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