I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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