So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
