The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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