I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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