I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
