Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
