I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
