It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
