i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
