and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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