That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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