Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
