She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize