And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
