hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
