Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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