What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
