This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
