Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
