so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How's work?
Spinning.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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