i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
