Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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