you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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