They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
