My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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