I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
