I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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