Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
