The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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