I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
