dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
