Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
