she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
