do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do herpes really smell.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
