you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
