I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My liver just had a heart attack.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
