I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
