bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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