and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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