she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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