I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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