my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
