And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Be still, my beating vagina.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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