I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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