i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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