getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's the barista slut.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
