new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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