Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
