Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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