my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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