Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize