Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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