I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
