Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
