The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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